AITA for insisting on separate finances after she audited my spending?
I’m 32M, my partner is 30F, together almost 6 years, living together 4. We’ve always both worked, and for most of the relationship we kept our own accounts and split shared stuff. About a year ago she pushed hard for “one pot” because she said it would make us feel like a team and help us save. I agreed, mostly because I trusted her and I was tired of having the same conversation every month about who owes what. We set up a joint checking, both paychecks go in, bills come out, and we kept small personal “fun money” lines in a notes app. In theory, simple.
Last week she texted me while I was at work a screenshot of our bank statement with my transactions circled like homework. She had made a Google Sheet with categories (coffee, takeout, “random”, etc) and totals. She asked me to “explain” a $38 charge at a hardware store, two $7.50 coffee stops, and a $12.99 subscription she “didn’t approve.” The $38 was a replacement hose for the leaky kitchen faucet because she’d been annoyed about the drip for days. The subscription was a language app I’ve used for months, it just renewed. The coffees were on a morning I was running late and also grabbed one for her, but the second one was a separate tap because my card glitched, so it posted twice and one was already reversed. I told her that and thought it would be done.
It wasn’t. She said I was “dodging” and that if I wasn’t hiding something I wouldn’t get defensive. Then she pulled out a crumpled grocery receipt from the counter and said “and this too, why are you buying name brand cereal when we said generic.” I honestly felt my stomach drop. It wasnt about the $7. It was the vibe of being monitored. I told her I’m not comfortable being audited and I’m not going to justify every small purchase like I’m asking permission. She said she “has to” because she’s the only one who cares about our future and my spending is “chaotic.” I said, ok, if this is how joint finances are going to be, I want to go back to separate accounts. We can set a fixed monthly amount each into the joint for rent, utilities, groceries, and anything extra we discuss. My money stays my money, her money stays hers.
Now she’s furious. She says separate finances means I’m planning to leave, or I’m hiding debt, or I want to control her by making her worry. She also told her sister I’m “financially abandoning” her, which is wild because she makes slightly more than me. I’m not refusing to contribute, I’m refusing the surveillance. I told her I love her but I’m not doing a relationship where I get interrogated over a faucet hose and coffee. She says I’m being dramatic and punishing her for “trying to be responsible.”
AITA for insisting we split finances again after she went full detective on my spending?
