I am 30 and my partner, Floyd, is 29. We met doing community service when we were young, and we’ve been together for a decade. He fell for me right away and, compared with my past abusive relationships, he has been patient and kind in ways I never expected. I come from a close Filipino‑Samoan family; Floyd comes from a much more troubled background with deep abandonment wounds.
The trouble began the first time I met his mother. She cornered me and declared Floyd her “soulmate,” then looked at me with open disgust. I noticed Floyd change around her—he became defensive, gossipy, and validated some of her odd claims, like insisting a polite stranger offering a grocery cart was “harassing” her. Over time they started meeting in her car outside our home, excluding me entirely.
Her rudeness became a pattern. Once she asked for my employee discount at a high‑end furniture store, then insulted the merchandise to my manager and ignored me. Later I found messages where she called me a “gold digger.” That stung, especially since I taught Floyd basic adult skills—driving, resumes—and we are now equal partners in business.
Floyd is extremely conflict‑avoidant and may be neurodivergent; he often freezes when confrontation arises. Even when people were overtly racist toward me, he rarely defended me. I tried to be patient, but it hurt to watch him shrink away instead of standing up for me.
Things escalated when Floyd mentioned his mother had sent him away for three years as a child because “two kids were hard.” I pointed out how damaging that must have been, and for the first time in ten years he screamed at me, defending her. I was deeply wounded and emailed her asking for accountability for their enmeshed, toxic dynamic.
She replied by emailing Floyd, calling me “controlling” and urging him to leave me. Floyd showed me a message he’d written defending me, but something felt off. I checked his trash folder and found an earlier note to her: “I’m sending this because she’s upset, but it’s all pretend; I’ll reach out soon.” I felt betrayed. He admitted he’d been keeping the peace, but I realized I needed a partner who would protect me, not play both sides.
Two days ago I laid out a path forward: restructure their relationship boundaries, start therapy, and shut down her insults immediately. He agreed and called her. She launched into an hour‑long tirade, mocking my family for renting and insulting me. Floyd stood there frozen while I cried and begged him to hang up.
After that, I told him he had to choose between his mother and me. I can’t tolerate her presence or the submissive version of him who appears when she’s around. After ten years, I must protect my mental health. I love him, but I also need to be safe and respected. Am I wrong for giving this ultimatum?
