I’ve been in what feels like a roommate-style marriage for over a decade, married for more than 20 years. Intimacy happens maybe once a year, and affection is almost nonexistent. For years I tried to initiate closeness—both physical and emotional—but about a year ago I stopped. When 80–90% of attempts are met with rejection, my self-esteem sinks. At this point, I don’t even want intimacy with her anymore.
Why haven’t I left? We have two kids, our finances and retirement are tied up in the house, and we live abroad. An aging relative also lives in an apartment attached to our home. I’m not sure how my wife would manage without me, financially or emotionally.
I’m not happy in my job, but I feel responsible for these four people whose lives would likely be worse if I pursued a more fulfilling but lower-paying career—or left my marriage.
About five years ago, I worked closely with a married woman I found attractive. We spent months together in a small office, talking about our lives. There was no flirting, but I enjoyed her company. We stayed loosely connected, meeting every six months for lunch or drinks.
A year ago, she separated from her husband. Recently, we met again, and she admitted she had a crush on me back when we worked together. I confessed I’d felt the same. Since then, I’ve been shaken. I can’t stop thinking about her and what could have been.
We met for coffee last week, and I told her how conflicted I was. She said she felt the same but regretted sparking it. I reassured her that whatever I decide, she isn’t responsible. If I leave my marriage and she wants nothing to do with me, that’s fine.
Meanwhile, my marriage continues its downward spiral. A small incident with a grocery list—her refusing to buy items I added—was the final straw. My 16-year-old even told me she wishes we’d split up.
I know I should have set clearer boundaries earlier. Talking about my marriage left me vulnerable, and now I’m high on the feeling of being wanted. I’m aware my judgment is clouded, and that this woman could have her own flaws.
Still, I have no desire for an affair. The truth is, I don’t want to continue my marriage. I have no idea how my wife will react when I finally tell her.
